7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

Gone Phishing

Scam artists have been phishing via email for some time now with all sorts of scenarios to trick you out of your private information. And unfortunately, a large enough percentage of people still bite on these lures making it profitable for the scammers to keep trying.

It needs to be remembered that any site you are registered with will not email you and ask you for your username or password. And any email they do send you will usually address you by name: info that phishers could not possibly have.

Recently I had an incident with the phishers other tactic. They call you on the phone if you are listed in the book and try to get info from you. The automated caller claimed to be with MasterCard and told me my rates were about to change and to press 9 to speak with a rep who would explain it all to me. It pains me to think that some percentage of people are naive enough to fall for this. First: I have more than one card with different banks whose rates are different and set by each bank. Second: any changes to your rates will be mailed to you with your monthly statement well in advance. They will not waste time and money with the phone unless there is a serious problem with your account. I was tempted to talk to this rep and see just how much bullshit I could lay on them before they hung up in disgust but it was late in the evening and I had other fish to fry.

All I can say is that if anyone calls you or emails you for your info tell them nothing. The only time you will need to give them your info is if you contact them first through their website or call the phone number on the back of your card and not some link in an email or a phone call from them. If one of your accounts should call you they will address you by name and tell you a portion of your account number once you identify yourself.

So be aware and be safe.

It Ain't Art - It's Fraud!

Today, I happened across an art book that ticked me off. On it, displayed as high art were a bunch of old weathered timbers bolted together at right angles with a few old bolts and metal plates and it was called art. I call it firewood. And then there was that bolder. You're not going to take ten pounds of clay and shape it into a pile of dried dog poop left out in the rain, cast it in bronze ten times it's original size, plunk it on a slab of concrete in some metropolitan park and make me believe it's art. Or better still, take a few condiment squeeze bottles, fill them with paint, squirt them all over a six foot by ten foot canvas and call it art. And then have the balls to place a five million dollar price tag on it.

Who do you gotta sleep with to get that kind of deal?

Give me a good renaissance painter any day. These artisans knew how to make fine art. Their paintings looked exactly like what they were depicting. There was no guesswork there. You didn't have to stand there staring at the canvas for hours trying to figure out what the hell was this guy thinking. Even Warhol's op art looked like something even if it did make your eyes cross at times.

I've painted landscapes and done artwork for comic books and believe me I haven't earned enough to buy the local professional ball club. Then again, I haven't been dead for 300 years yet.

Maybe I'll try inventing a new style. I'll take several different colors of paint and pump them up my ass and then fart all over a canvas. Now all I need is to think of what to call it.

Have a great day.

Social Security

As a baby boomer I am rapidly closing in on the time when I will want to file for my Social Security. Whether I'll be able to retire and enjoy my leisure is another question.

It's been speculated many times that SS will likely be broke by then and Congress has not formulated a better plan to save it. I, on the other hand, have had the answer for some time. It's quite simple... cancel all Congressional pensions!

If they have to live on their SS as so many of us poor schmucks will have to do they'll fix the system in a big hurry.

Then too, most of them are lawyers and will likely get some high paying job once they're voted out of office. A job that will likely have a large pension attached to it when the time comes so they won't need their SS anyway. But you know the greedy group will apply for it anyway just so the rest of us can't get it first..

There also is another issue that is happening right now. The current administration wants to cut back on funding for medical care for children of low income families. Why? Most likely it is because the war in the Middle East is costing so much that they have to cut back on something. Who cares if hundreds of sick children die so long as we keep funding a senseless war where we're killing so many young adults. They get to cut back on the surplus population even faster. This has also prompted several states to sue the Bush administration to get the funding restored.

Get the tar and feathers ready, folks.

Justice League

Well, it looks like we may get the promised Justice League movie yet. They're still nailing down the cast and have said they want to announce the entire lineup all at once when it is set. But secrets are fleeting and it had been revealed that Jessica Biel would play Wonder Woman but three days later she was reported to have said no thanks. My two favorite choices would be Milena Govich recently off of Law & Order or Kate Beckensale.

The rest of the lineup include the Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman and the Martian Manhunter. Superman and Batman are also listed but Brandon Routh and Christian Bale will not be playing their respective roles. Christian Bale has just finish filming The Dark Knight and likely is looking for some time off. Brandon Routh has not done much lately so only the studio knows why he's not on board. My choice for Superman is obvious; offer it to Tom Welling who has been playing the young Clark Kent in "Smallville" now in it's seventh season. Oddly enough, Welling, who plays the young Superman to be, is older than Routh who played the older version.

I haven't made up my mind who should play the other heroes but if anyone who reads this has any suggestions let me know with a comment.

The villain should, in my estimation, be some otherworldly supercreature; something quite huge and powerful that would require an entire team of heroes to defeat it.

American Idol

Yesterday nearly 20,000 hopefuls stood outside of the Wacovia Center in Philadelphia to wait their turn to audition. I feel sorry for those who were at the end of the line that started before 4 AM.

I give them credit for having the where-with-all to wait for their turn before the preliminary judges. You have to want something bad to wait for so long. By dinner time they were still listening to auditions and there were hours to go still.

The judges deserve some credit for being there all that time. A captive audience you might say.

Several of the early arrivals were singled out by the media to give a little sample of what they intended to sing. As I listened to each of them in turn it occurred to me they all sounded alike. Didn't any of them have something original. Sure, they sang different songs but each one, man or woman, sounded the same in every inflection. I only heard a dozen or so and can only imagine how the judges felt after a few thousand.

Only about a thousand will be chosen to go on to the next round. This gave me pause for thought. This show always lets a certain number of auditioners, who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, through to the next round so they can be ridiculed on camera by Simon and the rest. Is this really fair? Are they letting these few bad singers through at the expense of someone else who might actually be able to sing? Seems unlikely. The judges have already picked the better singers from the rest and just need a few for some reality television. It gives the better singers the incentive to do their best and not fall under the wrath of Simon.

William Hung (I hope I spelled his name correctly) was an exception. Some fast thinking producer saw a way to make a few bucks for a year or so then let William fade away. If he's still in show business it's a big secret because I haven't heard of him, in a while.

There even was a cross dresser there for the audition. What a flamboyant load of whatever. The man was dressed in a white feather dress, a white feather boa, a white feather hat with a huge brim and white high heels. That one I hope got the free pass to ridicule city. Not that I'm a nasty person or have anything against cross dressers, it's just good TV.

Anyway, I wish them all luck but I'll be staying away from the early rounds until the chaff is separated from the wheat.

I Resign

I found this on another website and thought I'd post it here for others to see.

My Resignation
Author Unknown

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.